It's almost impossible to look back a year ago and think how different life was.
I sit here tonight catching up on some tv time, after my mom and I put the girls to sleep and wonder, if the me a year ago would even be able to comprehend how her life would change.
A year ago, I would unconciously be touching and holding my tummy in the hopes that one of the two little embryos that were put in only 3 days ago, were going to stick and we were going to get our little baby. How those two little embryos completely turned my whole world around.
It's only now, with those two magnificent little miracle angels of mine, sound asleep in their bed, that I stop and think about that one that got left behind.
Just to recap from my other blog post I only had 7 eggs in total - to have 3 remaining embryos at the end is really amazing. These 3 little embryos made it those 5 crucial days and into the blastocyst stage. (You can read more about this in my previous blog post.)
It was the first appointment and scan at Vitalab that we went to at 7 weeks that the Dr explained that we could freeze the one leftover embryo. Now you freeze the embryo for only one year at a time. So initially at that point I somehow don't think you can completely understand the magnitude of having 3 embryos, then implanting 2 and having those 2 grow into 2 beautiful little humans. My immediate reaction then was well, we don't need to freeze that one - we are pregnant with 2 already!
The Dr immediately said to us, that it was way to soon to be making any hasty decisions like that and until we had our two little babies safely in our arms we shouldn't make any decisions. I must be honest from that point I didn't really give it much thought again - I was totally consumed by the two little babies growing inside of me.
Its only now, a year later (and time to either renew or not renew freezing that little embryo for another year), that you really start thinking about it again.
When I bring this up to my husband I can almost see his heart pounding in his chest and trust me I get it. Like I have said before 2 children is plenty. Especially having them at the same time. Not only from a financial perspective but also logistically.
Truly I couldn't imagine having another child and my heart is so full with my two little girls - I don't want more children, and that is why these thoughts I am fighting with are a lot of "what ifs" but just hear me out:
So now that we have Gisela and Alaia we know their beautiful little faces and personality and cute little mannerisms. How they both have little bits of me and little bits of my husband. Now... 'what if' Gisela or Alaia were one of the ones that stayed behind and the one there was put in. We would've never known them, we might not have had a Gisela and Alaia! Would that have been a boy or another girl - would it have even taken and we only would've had one? Who would that baby have looked more like? What features would that baby have? I mean oh my gosh there are actually just too many WHAT IFS here..
Ultimately, its today I realized, even though I know in my heart that I am so happy with my two babies and I don't need any more children I just can't let go of that one little embryo... not yet. How will I ever be able to 'discard it' like the nurses at the clinic say? I mean I don't know if I will be able to?
So for now, I continue to love my baby girls with everything I have and yet still my heart doesn't forget that little embryo that was left behind.
xx
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