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Where has the time gone?

A complete rush of emotion took over me at the very early hours of this morning, as I came across this memory.


I look at this picture and marvel at just how incredible our bodies are. I look at that full tummy and find it so hard to believe that the little humans I have running around now, with their unique spirits and personalities shining through so boldly and who are only weeks away from turning two, were once tucked away in this tummy.

Where has the time gone? How has it already been 2 years? Like any moment in life, we always seem to be focusing so much on the future, do we really get the chance to soak in the present?


When I was pregnant it was... I just need to make it past the 12-week mark. Then I just need to get through this all-day 'morning sickness'. Then 5 months passed and it was all about getting to the next appointments and seeing them get bigger and when will they be born. Then at 7 months pregnant I was put on bed rest, you spend those 2 months anticipating when and if they will be born on time or premature, imagining the day they will be born, will they be in ICU, imaging life with them here.


I think this is all a natural coping mechanism we all use in our daily lives and I do believe that looking to the future (within reason) is uplifting and can keep you motivated and focused. It's only now when looking back and knowing that I won't be experiencing pregnancy again that it makes me wish I could go back and relive some of the moments, really take it in again.


Even though I had to have IVF to fall pregnant with my girls and take an incredible amount of progesterone and other aids to ensure I stayed pregnant, battle a few months of feeling nauseous and vomiting now and again, and need to be on bed rest for 2 months - I truly loved being pregnant. I loved watching how incredible the human body was, how my body was this magical little home to grow two perfect baby girls.


I know how truly blessed we are to have fallen pregnant with twins after only 1 round of IVF. I know how fortunate I am to have been able to experience pregnancy with not one but two babies when all the odds were against me. Some days I am truly overwhelmed with just how blessed we are, and maybe this is just another crutch we as moms take on, but I get a little sad thinking that I won't be able to experience it all over again.


Trust me when I say I know how selfish this sounds. I sit here re-reading this and thinking to myself, are you actually going to post this knowing how selfish you sound. But I always wanted to use this space to be open and honest and this is truly how I am feeling. So here I am, openly sharing some raw emotions.


Maybe its because there is this preconceived notion that we are just better at something the second time around. Would I have done better the second time around? Would I have had a less risky pregnancy, would I have been more prepared, more equipped to handle the pregnancy? Even as a mom, with everything I have learned from the girls in their first hours, first months, even first-year could I have done better the second time around?


I guess I will never know, and that's ok too. I do believe that my girls chose me to be their mamma and even though I may have been able to be better I do believe that they know I am doing everything I know and can, to be the best mamma I can be for them. What comforts me in the harder times is that we are both navigating this thing called life together.

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