There is so much beauty, so much joy in so many of the things we have to experience in our day-to-day lives. So, before you start pointing out all the bad this year has brought on, I am not for a minute taking away from how daunting and stressful a lot of it is - but there has been so much good in all of it too.
Being a mother, being a parent is the greatest honour I could have ever imagined it is also the hardest *bleeping* thing I have ever done. I mean we are all doing our very best all of the time. I don't know about you, but I find myself questioning my every decision 100 times a day and just always wishing I could do more or be better, or do better. We already have so much doubt, anxiety, so much pressure, so much to already worry about in our day to day lives. The constant struggles we have with ourselves. Why is it then, that we feel the need to share so much negativity and doubt to each other? Why aren't we encouraging and supporting each other? We are all in this together.
Pregnancy and the journey to parenthood is already so daunting and so overwhelming and you naturally worry about every day inbetween each appointment, every actual appointment, every day you don't feel a kick, every moment you don't have full control.
So with IVF or like most people like to say 'the unnatural way', I had to wait for the nurses to call me to give me the results from my blood tests which happens after 2 long weeks from the day they implant the embryo or embryos. It's alot of waiting and alot of moments you have zero control that you just need to have a little faith.
There is so much doubt and so much anxiety during this time and probably one of the reasons so many people only wait to tell their news after the first trimester. In our case, we were so excited and had so many people supporting and praying for us on our IVF journey, we pretty much told everyone 5 seconds after hearing the news. When we found out we were having twins it took me a little longer to share the news because I was in shock and this made me even more anxious as multiple pregnancies can in some cases be more at risk.
I remember attending a function and a few friends and acquaintances were there and found out we were not only pregnant but pregnant with twins. Now at the time, I think I was only maybe 9 weeks or so, so I had my 12-week appointment booked to do all the necessary and daunting tests.
Anyways, sitting around the table with a handful of ladies one person says to me, "you really should've waited to tell people after your 12-week scan because your chances of having complications with twins are so much higher." Another person told me about a friend of a cousin who married a friend (yes there are a lot of stories that start like this) who was pregnant with twins but then one was stillborn. Why do we feel the need to share negative scary and overwhelming stories like this?
Probably the worst one I got while pregnant was,
Person: "I heard you pregnant with twins?
Me: Yes, two girls.
Person: "Oh shame you guys are so f&%ed."
Ummm shew, thanks for that. I feel great now.
You think it ends there but no, not really, when your babies are here, it kind of gets worse. You do get a lot of positive comments but the majority is either, "Shame, you have twins." or "wow, why did you have twins?" #seriously, or "Your hands must be so full.". Then complete strangers saying, "Were they natural?", so sorry how do I respond to this? No, my hubby and I didn't get to find out we were pregnant after having sex, we had to go to a lab and have many tests only to find out I would not be able to conceive naturally because my ovaries had aged beyond their years, spend a fortune on IVF. So no, they weren't conceived 'naturally', I needed a lit bit of science and love to achieve that.
I had a client who said to me, don't you feel like you have interfered with fate and maybe taking matters into your own hands is immoral and you just weren't meant to be a parent and have children? Thinking back now I am shocked how I wasn't speechless but actually managed to respond and said, no I truly believe I was always meant to be a mom and have children and I am just so grateful that there are people and the right technology and science to help people like me and so many other people fulfil that dream.
I must be honest I don't completely mind the random ones you get when they both dressed the same and people still ask, oh are they twins because I know a lot of people who dress cousins or even siblings born close together in the same clothes. I have even been guilty of asking that exact question.
The worst are the ones, that highlight the negative when you are celebrating milestones and small victories. Now that they crawling or now they walking, and they immediately respond by saying shame you are never going to sit and relax again. You thought you were tired before, you don't know what is coming your way now. Or do they sleep through? You won't sleep again for the next 10 years.
Just this past week at the airport on our way to our first family holiday. There was a lady with her little baby, maybe only a few months old. The girls were in awe of the 'baba' and just wanted to see him. So the mom and I landed up chatting a bit (yes in a very socially distant COVID kind of way, and she said to me, "Shew when I found out I was pregnant I just prayed and prayed that I wouldn't have twins. It was my greatest fear."
Ummm, ok. How do you want me to respond to this?
I have come to terms with the fact that these will forever be amongst the responses I get and I really do try not take them to heart, but there are so many of us who don't and hold these comments heavy on their hearts.
Let's all just remember that we all have daily struggles and some days even though we feel as though we are the best rock star moms, there are days you doubt every decision and action you make. You running on a few hours of interrupted sleep, and trying to juggle all the roles you play.
So if you feel the need to highlight how much of a handful the children are, or how little sleep or rest the mom will get - maybe try focus on how lucky they are to have their hands and hearts so full and even though they may not have much sleep now, they have so much to look forward to. When you see another mom pregnant or one with her hands full try to remind her how blessed she is, how there is just so much to look forward to and to just try take it all in and that even though it may feel hard they are doing an amazing job.
You have got this Mamma xx
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