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The breakdown

The girls are almost 11 months already, (even writing this, I am still in shock) and I mean let's be real, we have had some really bad nights and days or both. This Thursday evening I think it may just have been the very worst one I have had.


There is a very good chance that I may be thinking this because I actually can't remember many of the bad nights when they were just born and we were all... well, figuring it out. I really have no doubt that many of the nights from the beginning I may have even completely been blocked from my mind forever.


So Thursday night just another night, we put the girls down, as usual, nothing any different, they were so settled and in such a nice deep sleep, well until they weren't I guess.


My mom came over to dye my hair for me. (I know the best mom ever right?) So I go and shower at about 9;30 and I can hear Gisela had woken up and didn't seem to be settling with my mom. Shame the girls have been so mamma-fuss lately. As soon as I get her from my mom she settles straight away, the problem is she's quite awake, more awake than I thought.


After this, Alaia had woken up with the noise from Gisela being so unsettled and now we have two babies both unsettled, both unbelievably mamma-fuss and both wide awake.

Now it's 9;30, in my mind you got to persevere and try to get them back to sleep. Mamma then resorts to every trick, rock and rock and sway and dance, sing to them, play their sleep song, so the infamous and one song that we play ALL the time no matter what to get the girls to sleep and settle and that works EVERY time - "Feeling you" by MICASA.


Now 10;30 and still both beautiful big eyes still wide open and eager to be awake, so I try a bottle and that doesn't work for either of them.

The minute I would get the one settled I would have to swop - the problem is then the previously settled one now becomes unsettled. After a while, I just couldn't keep settling them and swopping because I truly believe they starting feeling like I was just passing them over all the time.


For anyone with one, two, three or however many children, you know how heartbreaking it is to not be able to soothe or be there for your baby when all they want is you. So I stopped trying to put them to sleep and let them sit with me on the bed. they were climbing on me clinging to me, they wouldn't leave my side for a single second. So from about midnight to about 1:30 am, this is what we did. Don't get me wrong this wasn't an awful part they were so content to just be with me to play. They were smiling and laughing and screeching in excitement.


So eventually we decided let's try again, the problem at this stage, they now stimulated, overtired and irritable so getting them to settle especially when they both want to be held by me doesn't take a few minutes.


I was singing the song my mom used to sing to me as a baby when my voice started to shake and the lump in my throat become increasingly more uncomfortable to put a sentence together never mind sing. Eventually at about 2;15 am after some resistance, crying from both of them and a lot of swaying and rocking the girls were finally sound asleep again.


I sat down on the bed and I just sobbed and sobbed and then when I thought I was done and couldn't cry anymore, I just cried some more.


It was all just too much, I was exhausted. My arms were burning from the continuous holding and rocking. My back was aching. But most of all my heart was aching. I was honestly just so sad and just felt like I was letting my baby girls down.

How am I going to make each of them feel that I am always here for them and that I am not choosing or just passing them on to someone else?


How am I ever going to give both of them everything they both need from me when they need it? I have started to realise that I don't think I will be able to, and well, that just makes my heart sore.


xx


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