It's always there in the back of my mind... You need to do another blog post. Or, something will happen in my day or week and I'll immediately say to myself, now this I need to write about.
Yet here we are, over a month later and no posts to talk about...
I have found this last month quite overwhelming, both in a 'my heart is bursting with love and pride' way and also in an 'I don't know if I can do this' way.
There has been so much this last month between work and home and the girls - life is just busy and crazy, and then you blink and so much time has gone. I had another show with work and that was tough the week of not being part of the girls' routine, and as young as they are it truly does impact them.
The first time I was away from them for work, (which was also the longest time since they were born), it was tuff, you got a glimpse of it in one of my posts. Gisela especially goes on a hunger strike until I am back and can feed her. This can be especially stressful.
They were both much much better this time and were sleeping beautifully until mamma got home of course then they would wake up and play tag. A very interesting week to say the least.
Then the real cherry on top, the girls, yes both of them started crawling while I was at the show. Now, before you interrupt and say this could've happened at any time and not just when I was at work, I totally get this and I agree with you. BUT it didn't happen when I was doing grocery shopping or in the other room, it happened when I was at work.
I understand and I truly do get that I can't be there for everything. It's impossible to be there for every first moment and every big milestone throughout their lives, most especially, when I have chosen and enjoy being a working mom. But shew... that doesn't mean it doesn't sting. It doesn't mean that it tore my heart in two that I couldn't sweep them up and shower them in kisses when it happened.
I did when I got home and they did it again, and every time got better and better and mastered the skill a little more every time, I thought about that moment as their first time. Because for me, it was the first time, and for them, it was their first time getting that much better at it.
Now the shows for the year are done and dusted, and I have started my new role within the company which offers me more flexibility because I can work from home. I am not needing to rush out the house by 6;30 to be stuck in traffic for a minimum of 1 hour and then to have to rush back home at 3 to also get home within the hour.
I'm not sure if it is a combination of how stressful and just tough this last show was and the strain and emotional and mental impact it had on me, or if its just at the stage and development the girls are at, or if its just me and all the other things in my head - but shew this has been a tough time for me.
I think it may be the perfect storm of me spending more time with the girls, the girls going through the 9-month leaps and well who knows maybe even the alignment of the moon (you know my theories here), that has changed so much in them.
I can already hear how my thoughts are going to translate onto paper and I'm just hoping I can articulate a million things in my head, the right way.
I am truly loving every single second with them, I am in awe of how their little minds are absorbing so much around them and how their individual and very unique personalities are moulding more and more every day.
It's just in-between it all... it's hard. Gosh, it can sometimes be so hard, I have this debate in my head and question, "Did God think this through?". Everyone says God only gives twins to people who can handle it. Did He think I could handle this? Sometimes I don't think I can.
So when I say, 'my heart is bursting with love and pride', it's those moments they call me mamma, or when I walk in the room, nothing else matters to them but me. Those smiles and how their faces just light up. You can see in their eyes just how much they love me and how happy they are to see me. These are the moments that make it all worthwhile.
But then, it's the moments they both need me at the same time. The moments no matter what anyone does to distract them, they only want me, they only want me at the same time.
Let me give you some perspective here, at the best of times I cannot deal with either of them crying. If they are crying and need me I give them that love and cuddle and reassurance that everything is going to be ok and that mamma is here. If I am holding one and the other is crying with someone else, we have to swop immediately because I just quite literally cannot cope to hear them that way and not be able to be there.
Now when I have both needing me and crying for me, yes crying (tears rolling down their little cheeks) for me at the same time, what do I do?
I can hold them both at the same time, it's very limiting and they are both getting quite heavy so I don't do this easily and it's not like I have a spare hand to use when holding both of them so I can do just that, hold them.
My heart quite literally breaks in half. I hate having to choose the one that needs me more and try to hold her first and soothe her and then slowly get someone to distract her and take her so that I can attend and comfort my other daughter. It gets worse though because then once I have soothed the one and ready to hand over and take the other, the soothed one cries again because, "Mom, why are you giving me away again. I want you." is literally what I hear them say.
They usually both take turns in being needy of me, which does help. So some-days Alaia will be needy of me and I will do my best to make her feel that I am there with her. Gisela will be chilled with other people and not take much notice even though inside I still get sad because I am purposely giving one more attention than the other.
Those days are easier because as much as it still is hard I know the other is fine. It's the days they don't discuss beforehand that only one will be needy, are the hard ones.
At the moment that is my hardest struggle right now - the struggle that makes me think, 'I don't know if I can do this'. But then I hold them in my arms and those big beautiful eyes look at me and I know in my heart I can and will do this.
I will do everything I can do to be the best Mamma Bear to my girls, no matter how difficult it can seem at times.
xx