So it has been a challenging few weeks.
Don't think I have done a post or written on what I do when I'm not being 'mom'.
So to sum it up, I work in exhibitions and have worked on amazing exhibition brands like MamaMagic, The Baby Expo, Decorex, 100% Design and Fire & Feast Meat & Food Festival. I have been in the exhibition industry for over 12 years now - love what I do.
This industry and career choice are specific, you either love it or you hate it.
For me, its literally part of my blood now. I love the rush, the chaos, the transition from planning on a piece of paper to the incredible result of it all coming together in the end. I've tried even leaving a few times and somehow I always stay.
However, with this incredible career I have worked so hard at, comes with it some serious overtime, working late and some hard work and dedication. Since Saturday, 02nd August (almost 2 weeks ago) I was on site for the build-up for the show and only broke down again on Sunday this past weekend, the 11th August. In a nutshell, this pretty much meant that I only got the most limited time with my girls in these 10 days.
No, 10 days in theory is not a long time at all. But when you a mom 10 days is a loooong time away from your babies. I can't imagine it gets easier when they get older because then they voice how much they miss you, but shew this was hard. The girls couldn't say, "Mamma I miss you, don't leave us again." This time at their very vulnerable age of only 7 months I could only witness the destruction and chaos in their routine that I caused in their little daily lives.
You know you really have spent limited time with them, when the only time you see and spend time with them in those 10 days is when they wake up through the night or first thing in the morning whilst you getting dressed to leave again.
Do you think they could forget that I am their mamma, and that now I could just be a familiar face? Or what if they just don't need me as much anymore? The worst fear of all, what if I don't know them anymore? These were the fears I was constantly battling in my mind.
It could've been the moon, it could've been teething or it could've been because I wasn't with them, ultimately it could even have been all of the above. But the girls were completely out of kilter this last week. They slept worse than ever before, leaving mamma with 2-3 hours combined sleep per night on top of working such long days. Gisela had a few days she wouldn't eat her solids or wouldn't finish her bottle. Alaia wouldn't let anyone put her to sleep or bath her without having a little melt down.
These things really make your heart ache at the thought that maybe it wasn't all of the above but that it may very well be because they miss their mamma and that the sudden 180 in their routine has totally disorientated them.
I am very happy to report that as soon as mamma was back in the picture, Gisela is eating well again and finishing all her food and bottles much better. Alaia has been loving bath time with mamma again and they seem to (dare I even say...) be sleeping a bit better. Now getting a little more than 1 hour combined sleep and managing to get a few hours consecutively - which is a huge win.
The way the mind plays tricks on you and your guilt literally eats away at your every fibre is something I cannot explain but something you can only experience first hand.
That fear when you have to hand them over to the nanny and your heart literally breaks when their eyes light up when they see them, and then the thought of them loving the nanny more than you starts to set in. Don't get me wrong I love that they love the nannies and that they enjoy being with them, but I can't help but worry about that too.
The fear that the nannies and the village, it literally took to help me with the 100 different shifts with the girls, could know my daughters better than me. This 10 days away from my babies made me fear that I would have lost that instinct with them. The one that you just know whats wrong and why and how to fix it.
Then its the other side of the guilt when you at work. The guilt of actually enjoying working, and wanting to go to work, and loving doing what you do, despite how much you missing them. Then of course the guilt of wanting to stay to enjoy a drink with everyone but then feeling like you betraying the time you may have with them, even if you know they already sleeping. Just the thought of being close.
As a working mamma these are just some of the fears and guilt trips you put yourself through. These are the times when you really come down on yourself. But you know, when the hard patches are over and you look back and look at what you have accomplished and how you managed to juggle all the balls still flying in the air. You instead take the time to say, "Wow Mamma you are strong. You can really do this, definitely not alone, you need your village, but you can really do this."
So to all the mamas, you doing an amazing job despite how hard you may be on yourself. You are all amazing and can do anything. You a MOM, moms literally have super powers, we can do anything.
xx