After a lot of thought and over analysing every single detail probably way more than I should, I'm going to share my "not-so-proud-moment-as-a-mom".
Not sure if the hesitation is coming more from the point that I feel quite guilty for the way I felt yesterday, or more because if I write it, well then, it's true and if I write it here, well then everyone who reads this knows...
I think it could also be the expectation to be this 'perfect' mother. I mean what does that even mean? We never believe we are good enough or doing the right or best thing.
Everyone tells you to expect teething anywhere from 4 months onwards. My daughters totally went against that, and only got their very first teeth at 13 months.
Alaia got her first bottom tooth on the first of January this year, was so exciting I could hardly contain my excitement. Gisela followed a few weeks later. Needless to say, we are now going through the very unpredictable and challenging time of teething.
Two nights ago was one of the more challenging nights that I've had, after a few challenging nights before that. Oh gosh, who am I kidding? It was one of the longest nights I've had in a long long time. The girls have been having some really restless nights lately. Moaning and crying in their sleep or waking up more often and taking a long time to settle again.
Monday night, however, it was both of them the entire night tagging each other. From the minute we put them to sleep at 7pm they were restless and were sleeping all over the cot. By 9 pm they had already woken up a dozen times and I knew I was in for a real treat.
I only managed to get into bed (in the clothes I got into when I got home from work, not my pjs), at 1:30 am, and then woke up with Gisela again at 3 am. Gave her a bottle and she eventually settled back to sleep, put her down and as soon as I got back onto bed Alaia woke up. So did the same and by 4 got back into bed.
It was a wonderful 45min nap, because Gisela then woke up again and I got her and brought her into bed with us and we were welcoming her sister only a few minutes later.
(On a side note, I may need to get a King Size bed.)
So with roughly 3 hours of sleep and a full day ahead of me I wasn't feeling completely exhausted until around the afternoon when I was on my way home to the girls.
This is what made me feel like I was being such an awful mother and still today writing this my eyes fill with tears at the thoughts going through my head.
I got home from work feeling exhausted, my body was aching, wasn't feeling well at all - and all I was hoping and praying for was the time to just go faster, for the girls to get to the point where they can go to sleep. I was so exhausted and so consumed by the way I was feeling that I didn't even take the time to enjoy them, enjoy my time with them. I wished the entire afternoon away after not being able to spend any time with them the entire day, the entire week.
When I got home today and got to see those gorgeous smiles and eyes light up at the sight of their mamma my heart just broke. How could I have wished away such precious and special time with my babies? What an awful mother I am.
But then tonight I've been sitting here, and I'm trying to not be so hard on myself. I'm trying to convince myself that the girls didn't feel any of that energy, that they still think in their little eyes that their mamma is perfect. What I need to work on now, is accepting that I am not perfect and that sometimes my thoughts, my exhaustion, my mind fail me BUT I know that I am a good mom, I'm not a perfect mom, but I am their mom and I know I am the perfect mom for them.