I have been a little quiet this past week and I am sorry about that. Not sure what has been happening this week but I've felt like I had totally lost my bearings this last week.
The days and nights were literally just a blur and dissolving in to each other. I felt like I was just getting into the day and then it was time to go home and then once I get home its non stop and then I look again the girls are asleep and I'm asleep in my clothes still on the bed.
My mind has been everywhere, my emotions are all over the place, been feeling absolutely exhausted... shew its been a week.
You would think it was my first week back at work but in actual fact its almost my second full month back and I am still finding it so hectic to balance and get in the groove. I literally get home from work and I am in full mommy mode and trying to absorb as much of them as I can from what I missed in the day. Trying to also get a full handover from the nanny and start dinner, and prepare them some dinner, try see if they can have a nap, get them bathed, fed and then put to sleep. When I look again its anywhere between 9-11pm and I'm exhausted.
If I haven't managed to keep my eyes open and get into the bath or watch some tv I have been literally falling asleep on the bed still in my clothes from the day. I wake up at about 1am or so get into my pj's get a little more sleep and then the girls wake up to feed a few hours later and I need to get ready work and there is the day starting again.
It has been an all round really tuff week. I have felt useless, unsure, sad, happy, mad, blessed and totally all over the place
I worry that my days are just a blur and just blending into each other. What am I missing and am I going to look back on this and wish I had slowed down to absorb it a little more and take a little more in. Or is it that constant guilt that I am going to regret because I know how loved those girls are and I know how important it is for me to also look after myself.
Its moments like these and times like this that truly make you realize mamma-hood is hard man. I know each day get easier and its ok to have some bad days. But I am understanding why this doesn't come with a manual - they could never possibly put this all down to hard set actions and reactions. We all have such different journeys but in so many ways we all the same. We just all trying to be the best mamma we can be to our angels.
