You hear you going to have twins and suddenly you don't know if you happy or totally freaked out. Your knees feel a little weak, your heart begins to race a little harder and as the fear and worry kicks in, these are the questions that started to fill my mind;
I have to grow two children in my tummy at the same time. Am I going to have enough space for this?
Will I have to be on bedrest?
Are they going to be prem? Will I be able to carry to term? What if they have to be in the NICU for weeks?
We now need to buy two, of pretty much everything.
We need to look at twin prams.
How are we going to afford two children at once?
Am I still going to be able to breastfeed?
Is it ok if I can't breastfeed or if I don't want to breatfeed anymore?
School! Oh my gosh two children through school...
And then the one fear that honestly used to really get to me, and only now whilst I'm writing this do I release it still worries me. Am I going to be able to give both of my little girls an equal amount of love and attention.
Don't get me wrong I was never worried that I would love one more than the other or that I didn't have enough love to give. Nothing like that. I was worried (ok, I'm still worried) that one would feel that I give more time or love to the other. That makes me so heart sore to even think about.
I know now and I appreciate that certain circumstances require you maybe give one a bit more attention than the other, and they generally balance each other out.. When Gisela got really ill and was in hospital for 5 days I had to give her all my time and attention and wasn't able to be with Alaia for a whole 5 days. I was so scared I was going to get back home and she wouldn't recognise me so got my mom to FaceTime with me so she could still hear my voice and see my face but wow this was just the hardest thing for me. I felt like I had to choose between them.
I know in my heart that, that obviously wasn't the case and I just had to do what I had to do. That was, be there for my sick little baby - because she needed me.
I knew Alaia was ok because my mom took off work and looked after her during the day for me and stayed over at night to be with her. I mean who better to be there for her when her mamma can't then her Avo.
I still find myself being a bit more protective with Gisela (maybe even a bit paranoid) and making sure she hasn't got a fever or is her tummy okay, and I immediately feel that guilt that even in my mind am I giving her a little more?
I think I also battle with this when people start comparing the girls. This is so difficult because ultimately they are two separate and unique little individuals. Just because they are twins doesn't mean they have to do things at the same time or be on the same level. They need to achieve all their milestones at their own good time. But when you keep hearing their differences you can't help but want to compensate more.
There is no doubt in my mind how much love I have for my two precious girls and how I absolutely adore and am just in complete awe of them both I just hope as their mom I can always make them feel that no matter what.
I'd like to think that this will all pass and part of the process with being a new mom and still finding my feet. Its made me wonder though... for all the moms with more than one child, do you ever feel this way or is it just me?