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#21LOCKDOWN = TIME

"Time is what we want most, but what we use worst".

Isn't this such a true and heartbreaking reality of the fast-paced lives we live. Where every day we rush from the minute we open our eyes to the minute we close them again. I am guilty of this, even more so as a new mom, trying desperately to hold on to my identity as 'me', working woman, working mom and mom.


This lockdown and the reality of how close to home this COVID19 is - is terrifying and completely unsettling.


I remember when I was pregnant with my girls, the more they grew in my tummy, the more I connected to every little kick, hiccup, movement and heartbeat the more I had this need, instinct and fear even, to keep them forever in my tummy. To never have them come out, to never have them exposed to all the bad in the world. To keep them safe, to take all the bad for them and not let them ever feel or see any bad or negative.


The only other time I ever felt this was when we went on lockdown and the reality of this hit me. My mind raced with a million possibilities and scenarios - some I never thought I would repeat out loud and into the open... but the main one was, "Why did we do IVF then? Why couldn't we have only started in say a years time, then the girls would've missed all of this. They could've been born after this. I could've kept them safe from all of this uncertainty."


I know, completely insane thoughts and how could I even wish my children and greatest blessings away, but it truly isn't that. It is just this uncontrollable desire to want to protect them and the anxiety and stress it gives me that a lot of this is out of my control and I can only do the best I can to keep them safe at home away from any possible exposure.


That truly is all we can do as moms, dads, parents, brothers, sisters, family, friends and even colleagues. #StayHomeFor the people you love most, the friends and family you hold so dear to you, the ones that make each day on this earth that much more bearable.


The thought of being locked in the '4 walls' of my home for 21 whole nights and days seemed completely claustrophobic and that 'cabin fever itch' already started hitting me. As awful as this may make me sound, the opportunity to leave and go to work each day was something I look forward to, the moment work is over and I get to go home to my babies is, even more, something I look forward to. With this forced #lockdown it really made me and still makes me so anxious how to juggle working from home full time and still make time for my girls.


It's been a whole 6 days and I feel as though I'm having ups and downs. I try not to let the anxiety of it all get to me and just try to do as much as I can. I try each day to be available through emails, calls or whats app from a work perspective. The times I'm not in conference calls, or on emails, I am with the girls and spending such incredible quality time.


We are so fortunate to have my mom in #lockdown with us, so for once, the adults in the house outnumber the little people. A small victory in a jam-packed day, when I need to hide away to work, or we need to clean, do washing etc.


This #lockdown if anything has showed me just how much we are actually capable of. How we often don't give ourselves enough credit, for what we actually made of. What it has truly shown me is how valuable this time is, we have been given this time, something that we use so poorly and now have no option but to use more wisely. Something no money in the world could buy.


As a working mom, I truly do miss so much in my girls growing into these little individual people, and I see that now. So as hard as some days may be, as difficult and relentless as some days and nights may be, I truly am trying to take in every moment with my beautiful girls. Taking more pictures than ever before, at the risk of them getting unplayable I am constantly searching for more fun and creative things to do with them, which only, in turn, allows me to experience so many news emotions, and changes in them.


Now just how to remember all these amazing invaluable and precious moments, when they have been tagging each other the entire night and I wake up with a headache from 3 broken hours of sleep to two little bundles of joy who have both woken up as ratty as me and now only want mamma... #lifeofamamma




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